At some point that title will no doubt find its way into my 'Holy Fucking Bible' series, perhaps as a pre-cum, er, prequel, but for now I'm just writing about the following passage I found when I was pondering the question, "What was God doing before he made the universe?" (that was actually what I typed into Google). Well, according to some Christians, he was just fiddling with his genitalia, or so it seems:

What was God doing before He created the universe?

As we all know, those batty Christians think that God is a kind of three-in-one sandwich, the BLT of divinity, except in this case it's GJH. However, that's not such a snappy acronym and, sadly for the Jews, involves a lot less bacon. Before they had the big universe idea God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit existed, according to the aforementioned web page, "in perfect harmony and flawlessness, having all they needed in one another" - similar to the feeling you get when you realise you now own every episode of Xena and Hercules on DVD (though that might just apply to me). How lovely for them. But the question remains: before the Big Bang what was/were he/they actually doing?

No surprise: God having hot sex with his three separate but individual parts. Those parts being parts of himself. So basically, God was masturbating. The evidence is all there on the web page:

• The preincarnate Christ was intimately united with the Father
  (incest, possibly paedophilia, depends if 'preincarnate' means 'under the age of consent')

• Before creation, God felt complete joy and fulfillment as He perfectly beheld and communed with Himself
  (by syphoning the python, bashing the bishop, straining the spuds, etc)

• God has and always will experience complete joy because He has complete and perfect knowledge of Himself
  (by looking up his own arse in the mirror)

• Before He created the universe, God experienced absolute satisfaction in Himself
  (by constantly jacking off)

• These three were together in fellowship with one another from all eternity. They loved each other
  (and what stronger affirmation of gay pride do you need?)

One God: masturbation. Three parts: gay sex. Conclusion: God created the universe because he was actually bi-curious and wanted to get jiggy with a virgin from the old-time Middle East. Hey, it's a Christian web site and they never get it wrong do they?

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Footnote:
Today's prize 'Unintelligibly tangled grammatical weirdness' goes to this line:

"And now Father, glorify Me with Yourself with the glory which I had with You before the world was."

Pardon?